


Home Run Pizza

by goodiecornbread



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Pizza Place, M/M, Pizza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-29 01:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30148713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodiecornbread/pseuds/goodiecornbread
Summary: Patrick owns Home Run Pizza.Most people enjoy his pizza, but one customer has been calling lately with a LOT of complaints.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 22
Kudos: 187





	Home Run Pizza

🍕🍕🍕

"Home Run Pizza," Patrick says when he answers the phone.

"Yes, I had a pizza delivered a little while ago," said a voice. "David. Um, David Rose. Delivered to the Rosebud Motel."

Patrick leafed through the stack of checks from that night, finding the right order. "Yes, here it is. A large New York style with pepperoni?"

"That's right."

"Well... what can I help you with?"

"I just called to lodge a complaint." The voice on the phone was serious and pointed, but not hostile. Patrick waited for him to continue. "Um, I've been to New York. Like, I _lived_ in New York. For _years._ "

"Okay." Was he complaining that this was rural Ontario and not Manhattan?

"Okay, so, _this_ isn't New York style pizza." Patrick opened his mouth to reply but the man continued. "The crust is too thick and not crispy enough, _and_ you cut it into too many little slices. It needs to be thin and wide! So you can just grab a slice and go!"

"I'm sorry to hear that. No one's ever complained about our New York style before."

"That's because no one from the Greater Elms have ever _been_ to New York," the man quipped.

"Well now, that's just not true," Patrick teased. "My parents went in '99 for their wedding anniversary." He heard a scoff through the phone and smiled to himself. "Here's what I can do, Mr. Rose--"

" _Ew,_ please just call me David."

"Okay, David," he smiled. "We can make you a fresh pizza, thinner and crispier this time. Just give the other one to the delivery driver."

"Uh, no, that's not necessary."

"It's really no trouble at all, David," he lied. Sure, remaking the pizza would be nothing, but he knew his drivers usually didn't get a tip on return deliveries, so he'd have to give Cameron some bills out of his pocket.

"Um, it's just that I already ate most of this one, so..." David trailed off.

Patrick had to stifle a laugh. "Even though it wasn't thin and crispy enough?"

"Okay, well _first_ of all, I was hungry, which is why I ordered a pizza in the first place."

"And second?"

"What?"

"You said 'first of all,'" Patrick clarified. "What is second?"

"Second is that I just needed to call and let you know that you're making your pizzas incorrectly."

"I'm very sorry, David," he replied facetiously. "Would you prefer a refund, or a free pizza?" This is usually how these types of calls went.

"Um, no," David said softly. "I mean, I'm always up for free pizza, but... that's not why I called. I wasn't looking for reparations. I just..."

"Called to complain?" Patrick finished. He heard a distinct 'hrmph' through the phone's speaker. "Well, David, I do hope you give us another chance to really hit it out of the park."

"I don't know what that means."

🍕🍕🍕

"Home Run Pizza."

"Yes, This is David Rose. I just had a pizza delivered?"

Patrick smiled. It had been about a week since the first time David had called to complain about his 'incorrect' pizza, and when Patrick saw the name come across the order ticket, he knew he'd be getting another call tonight.

"Yes, you splurged for the deep-dish tonight!" 

"Would we call this a _deep_ dish, though?" David asked. "I mean, it's basically a tall crust and extra sauce."

"Which is exactly what a deep-dish pizza is, David."

"Um, no thank you for the _sass,_ " he replied, his voice suddenly snippy. "What I'm trying to say is that this is simply a _slightly_ taller crust, with _approximately_ twice the sauce."

"I don't know, I feel like it's at least _three_ times the sauce," Patrick mused. He knew David was exaggerating about the size of the pizza, but this was just a run-of-the-mill pizza shop.

"Alright, can I speak with the person who makes the pizzas please?" he demanded.

"Well, that would be me," Patrick replied. "At least, I made this one. And the one last week."

"Okay then please talk me through your process of making a deep-dish pizza, please."

Patrick paused. He certainly would enjoy listening to this man describe to him, a pizza maker, how to make a pizza. But at the same time, he wondered what would happen if he declined. "No thanks," he finally responded. "Can I help you with anything else, David?"

"I-- uh, no," he sounded flustered. "No, I just wanted to let you know how shallow your deep-dish really was!"

"Your complaint has been filed, David," Patrick replied warmly. "Hope your next order is an appeal play."

"That means nothing to me."

🍕🍕🍕

"Home Run Pizza." 

"Yes, this is David Rose." Of course. Patrick smiled.

"Hi, David. Something wrong with your pizza tonight?"

"Well, not something wrong, _per se_ ," he started. "It could just be _better._ "

"I do always aim for mediocre," Patrick cheered sarcastically.

"No, no, not _mediocre_ ," David backtracked. "Just..."

"Could be better," Patrick finished.

"Right."

"Well, David," He pulled out the order slip from this week. "What can I do to make your pepperoni and mushroom pizza better?"

"I just find it unacceptable that you use canned mushrooms," David said indignantly.

"Unacceptable?"

"Yes! The quality of your pizza would increase by, like, 58% if you used fresh mushrooms."

Patrick hummed, pretending to consider this suggestion. "Where did you come up with that figure, David?"

"Okay maybe not _exactly_ that much." He sounded flustered, which was quite intriguing. "But you have to admit the flavor profile of fresh produce is far superior to that of processed canned vegetables."

"Can't argue with you there, David. Fresh mushrooms would be ideal, but unfortunately it's just not practical."

" _Why not?!_ " Patrick was loving how heated David was getting over mushrooms.

"Because they're shelf-life isn't very long, I don't have a local distributor, and fresh vegetables are harder to come by in the winter months. All-in-all, fresh mushrooms are simply economically inefficient."

"That is a lot of ways to just say no."

"Would you have let me just say no?" Patrick asked, knowing the answer.

"Probably not," David conceded. 

"Alright then. Thank you for calling. Again." _Please call again soon_ , he thought. "I'll try not to let your next pizza be a swing and a miss."

"...What?"

🍕🍕🍕

"Home Run Pizza." Patrick was walking out of his office as Cameron answered the phone. "Okay... Um, I don't really know... Uh, who? ...Oh, that'd be Patrick... Yeah, just a sec." 

Cameron set the receiver down on the counter and walked over. "Um, there's someone on the line for you?"

"Did they say who it is?" Patrick asked, knowing he didn't need to.

"David something? He has a concern about his pizza."

"Of course he does," Patrick smiled, picking up the receiver. "Home Run Pizza, how can I help you?"

"So you're the manager?" Came the familiar voice.

"That's me. Patrick Brewer: owner, founder, manager, pizza maker."

"Wow, I didn't realize you were so talented," David replied in a low voice.

"Oh, I have many talents." Were they flirting? He hoped so.

"Wow, do you talk this way with _all_ your customers?"

"Only you," Patrick said honestly. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, I got the Meatlovers tonight, and there was a problem."

"There was a problem," he repeated, waiting for David to elaborate.

"Yes. Your sausage wasn't spicy enough! And... that's something I just said to you." Patrick covered his mouth to stifle a laugh.

"I'm so sorry to disappoint you with my _sausage_ , David."

"Okay this is starting to sound like a bad porno."

"Hey, you started it," Patrick laughed. 

"So it's _my_ fault for expecting a better pizza?" David quipped.

" _So_ sorry to drop the ball on this one," he replied sarcastically. 

"Oh no, we're not doing _balls_ now."

"No, that's not... nevermind."

🍕🍕🍕

"Home Run Pizza," he said, phone pressed between his shoulder and his ear. _Please don't be another order_ , he thought.

The place was busy. _Very_ busy. Patrick had never had so many pick-up orders on a Thursday night before, and was stuck with only one delivery driver and one cashier while he worked on making pizzas as fast as he could.

"Yes, I'd like to lodge a complaint with the manager?" David's voice was playful, but Patrick was too busy to play along.

"What could possibly be the matter with a _cheese_ pizza, David?"

"Well, for one, I'd like to know the percentage of mozzarella in this blend?" 

"I don't know," he said shortly. 

"You don't know?" David replied. "Or you don't want to tell me because you know it's an unacceptable amount?"

"David, I really don't have time for this right now. The Elmdale Giants just won their little league championship and I'm absolutely swamped here. So unless you have an _actual_ complaint, I'm going to have to let you go."

"Oh, um, no. Sorry, I was just--"

"Bye, David."

🍕🍕🍕

Friday afternoon was pretty slow after the lunch rush, it was just Patrick and Sadie until Cameron came in before dinner.

"Taking this delivery," Sadie told him, walking out the back door with the insulated bag.

He was wiping down the work station when the bell over the door rang. "Welcome to Home Run Pizza!" He called over his shoulder. "I'll be right with you."

He threw the towel over his shoulder and made his way to the front of the store. The man standing at the front of the store was tall with dark hair, and handsome. _Very_ handsome. Patrick had seen him in here before, a few times, but not in a while. He was wringing his hands and looking around nervously.

"How can I help you?" Patrick asked.

"I have a pizza to pick up?" The man said. "David Rose."

Patrick raised his eyebrows in surprise. "David Rose," he repeated, putting a name to this gorgeous face. "Going for a double-header, I see."

"I… don't understand," David said, biting his lip. 

Patrick smiled. "It's a baseball term," he told him. "Ordering two days in a row."

"Yeah, I wanted to come in and apologize," David said quietly, "for being an asshole yesterday."

"Oh, just yesterday?" Patrick crossed his arms, giving David an amused smile.

He huffed, rolling his eyes. "I'm trying to say sorry!"

"Yeah, but, you didn't _actually_ say it." This was more fun than on the phone. 

David mumbled something.

"What was that?" Patrick asked.

"I said I'm sorry!" David looked up at him, dark eyes full of apprehension.

Patrick leaned forward, planting both hands on the counter. "Well don't be. I like when you call."

"Oh," David said, tucking a smile into his cheek.

"Yeah. And _I'm_ the one who should apologize."

"You?"

"I was rude to you, which wasn't acceptable. So I'm sorry, David."

"Well," he replied sweetly. "I forgive you."

"Good," Patrick smiled. "Let me get your pizza."

Patrick walked back into the kitchen, retrieving the box from the top of the oven. When he'd seen the order come in earlier, he assumed it was another delivery. He didn't imagine David would be walking into his store. 

A moment later, he handed the box across the counter and David slid his card through the reader. 

"I hope you enjoy your pizza," Patrick told him. 

"You'll know if I don't," David quipped, walking out the door.

🍕🍕🍕

"Home Run Pizza."

"Yeah, I think you gave me a used box."

That caused Patrick to stop. "What?"

"Someone wrote inside this box," David said. "Was someone else's pizza in this before mine?"

"David. That's my phone number."

"...oh."

"Yeah. I thought it might be a more convenient way for you to complain."

"I don't _complain_ ," David insisted. "I _merely_ offer constructive criticism."

"Okay, well we close at 11," Patrick told him.

"I guess I'll call you then."

🍕🍕🍕


End file.
